


aranea & lepidoptera

by bellafarallones



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Assassins & Hitmen, Knives, Light Angst, M/M, aftermath of violence rather than actual violence, inspired by that yahoo in mbmbam 415: "if someone tried to kill you in public, kravitz has been hired to kill taako, lup barry and sazed are sort of there too, taako flirts with him about it, the violence warning is just for chapter 2 and it's more like, would you be embarassed?"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:53:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26322952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellafarallones/pseuds/bellafarallones
Summary: Taako swung his legs over the side of the bed. “You know my sister and brother-in-law are in the next room, and if you start killing me too loudly they’ll come running.”“I appreciate the warning.” Kravitz’s hand disappeared into his jacket again, but Taako grabbed his wrist and jerked it out, sending a knife slipping from his fingers and spinning away across the room.
Relationships: Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 130





	1. Chapter 1

Kravitz landed lightly on the balcony, which was barely wide enough for the dirty patio chair and half-full ashtray on it, and looked in through the sliding glass door. 

It was a sad living room, all told. Drops of paint and varnish stained the uneven wood floor. A skinny man lay on a long, sagging couch. The phone he held up to his face was the only light source in the room. 

Kravitz slid open the patio door and stepped inside. 

The man on the couch turned his head. He put his phone face-down on his chest, sending the room into darkness. Kravitz cast a long shadow in the orange light of the streetlight outside. The other man’s eyes glittered, unalarmed, as did the ring in his nose.

“Your name is Taako, correct?” said Kravitz. He was wearing a suit, and felt the cold weight of a knife in a leather sheath inside his breast pocket. 

Taako threw up a peace sign. “‘Sup, homie?”

Now Kravitz was wary. His gaze flicked from the front door - locked - to the other doors leading off the living room. This had to be a trap. There was no way Taako could be so calm, otherwise. Kravitz took a few steps back, fumbled behind his back for the handle of the sliding door. 

“Leaving so soon? Y’know, normally a guy breaks in, he  _ wants _ something.”

The door slid open just enough for Kravitz to slip back out. Then he vaulted over the balcony and hit the damp grass below, harder than he would have liked. 

He’d thought this would be an easy job.

\--

The clock said it was afternoon, but Taako had just woken up, and so it was still basically the morning. Early enough to go to Starbucks, order an Americano, and sit at a table for two with his back to the wall. 

When he’d first awoken he’d been half-convinced that the previous night had been a dream, or a hallucination brought on by sleeplessness. One time Barry had read a book about hallucinations and talked nonstop for a week about how common they were.

But as soon as Taako left his apartment he felt eyes on him, and his instinct for self-preservation was stronger in daylight. Taako knew from his experience in online dating that if you were going to meet a stranger, best to do it in a public place. Hence the Starbucks.

He didn’t have to wait long for his stranger to walk in. The man was unmistakable by his long dreadlocks and well-tailored suit and his face, of course, which was no less handsome in daylight. He shot furtive glances at Taako every few seconds as he stood in line to order. After paying he shoved several bills into the tip jar and came over to Taako’s table. 

Taako gestured to the empty chair. The man who’d broken in sat down. He looked nervous, which Taako felt was unfair. Attractive, well-dressed badasses shouldn’t get to appropriate nervousness. 

“So. You trying to kill me, or what?”

Manicured nails tapped the table in an uneasy rhythm. “Yes. I have been hired to kill you.”

That had not been the response Taako was expecting. “Well, there goes my plan to ask you to buy me a drink.”

“Pumpkin spice latte for Kravitz!” called the barista, and Taako laughed out loud when his companion stood up and went to the counter. His laughter died when he actually returned with his drink and sat down again. 

“So your name’s Kravitz?”

“Yes.” He looked rather miffed. “I would have told you if you’d asked.”

“Care to tell me who wants me dead so much they’re willing to sponsor your Brooks Brothers collection for it?”

“That I can’t tell you.”

“I should totally call the cops on you.”

“I’d really prefer it if you didn’t. It would be unpleasant for me, yes, but I can promise you there’s not enough evidence to prosecute me for anything.”

Taako let out a short laugh. “Fuck the police, anyway.”

Kravitz took a sip of his drink and nodded. “Well, I suppose you’ve gotten what you wanted from me. I’m not going to do it here, anyway, that wouldn’t be… sporting of me. I’ll give you another day or two to get your affairs in order, and it won’t be too painful. Quick, at the very least.” Then he pushed his chair back to stand up.

“You’re  _ leaving?” _

Kravitz blinked. “Well, I don’t have to, but I’m not going to tell you anything else about the contract on you, and you’re not going to convince me to break it.”

“Stay, then. You’re nice to look at. Maybe one of my exes will walk in and be jealous.”

Kravitz cradled his drink, looking down into the steam. “Have you listened to any good music lately?”

\--

Taako, having drunk too much wine at dinner to make it home, was spending the night at Lup and Barry’s place. Their guest bed was familiar enough that he would have gone to sleep easily. Would have, if he wasn’t  _ scared  _ of a man with sharp cheekbones and a well-pressed suit. Drinking too much had only stopped Lup from questioning why he wanted to stay.

Underneath a flame-red quilt Taako turned restlessly over, stared out the window at the brick wall across the alley. He had turned over to see if staring at the locked bedroom door was any better when he heard a tiny click behind him. 

Night air rushed through the open window, and a face swam into view in the darkness. Taako’s fingers tightened around fistfuls of sheet. “You’ve really got a thing for breaking and entering, haven’t you?” he said, forcing his voice to stay steady as he sat up.

“Lockpicking ability requires regular practice,” Kravitz replied, deadpan, holding up a leather case full of tiny metal instruments before he slipped it back into his jacket. Again he was wearing a suit, but today his tie was red instead of blue.

“Holy shit, that was a joke. You genuinely just made a joke.”

“So I did.” Kravitz opened the window wide enough that he could step inside, and pulled it shut behind him. His feet made no sound against the carpet. 

Taako swung his legs over the side of the bed. “You know my sister and brother-in-law are in the next room, and if you start killing me too loudly they’ll come running.”

“I appreciate the warning.” Kravitz’s hand disappeared into his jacket again, but Taako grabbed his wrist and jerked it out, sending a knife slipping from his fingers and spinning away across the room. 

Their eyes met. Kravitz’s eyes were wide, surprised, and his gaze flickered down to Taako’s lips. Taako yanked him down by the tie and kissed him. 

Kravitz made a confused noise against his mouth and kissed back, opening his mouth to Taako’s tongue. Taako found himself pressed down into the bed, Kravitz on top of him, which was scary _ vulnerable  _ but he was touching Kravitz’s chest and there were no more sharp edges in the lining of his jacket, no gun at his hip. 

Kravitz pulled back suddenly, and Taako was gratified to hear that he was breathing heavily. “This is - you’re just trying to get me not to kill you!” said Kravitz.

“Aw, is that all this is to you? I thought we  _ had _ something.”

Kravitz opened the window, paused to straighten his jacket and tie. “I’ll be back. You haven’t gotten out of this.” Then he climbed back out into the night. 

Taako lay paralyzed for a moment, still processing the fact that he somehow wasn’t dead. The night breeze stroked his face. When he finally stood up and looked out the window, the alley three floors below was still and deserted.

Taako shut the window and locked it. Sleep came easier, then, and the next morning when he woke up, the sun was glinting off of something on the floor by the dresser. 

It was a hunting knife. Silver blade, black handle. Not fancy. Functional. 

\--

Kravitz had no idea who wanted Taako dead or why.

It was easy to get caught, hiring a hitman, and most people who tried did it sloppily. They asked people they knew, people who would refuse and later stand witness for the prosecution. Asked someone they meet in jail who was happy to trade up the information for a lighter sentence. 

No. Desperation breeds sloppiness. The people who did it right, the people who hired Kravitz to do it right on their behalf, were not desperate. They had waited like wolf spiders in their silk-lined holes, waited until chance connected them to the right man for the job. And who would harbor that kind of fermenting hatred for a twenty-something, two-bit television star?

With dark circles under his eyes, Kravitz searched through files and printed out a copy of the contract that demanded Taako’s death. The printer was brand-new but still uncooperative, yielding pages with blank streaks and spots of spare ink. 

He pulled a pair of reading glasses - he didn’t like wearing them, too vain about his face - out of a drawer, put them on, and bent over the contract, blue pen in hand. The name of the person who’d hired him stuck out. 

Kravitz got up and went to a different filing cabinet, flipped through tattered manila folders. He found what he was looking for and held it up to the light. Narrowed his eyes. 

Then he breathed out in relief. 

\--

Taako opened the door to the bathroom and found it occupied. An apology was halfway to his lips when he saw who it was. Tall, dark, and handsome, leaning up against the sink. 

Taako slid in and shut the door behind him. “How’d you even get in here?” he said. He hadn’t thought that Kravitz would come for him at a  _ party,  _ of all places. Too many potential witnesses. 

Kravitz tossed his head at the frosted-glass window above the sink. It was barely a foot across. 

“If you stab me now I’m gonna pee all over you.”

Kravitz sputtered. “What!? What are you  _ talking  _ about?”

“Do you need me to explain what people normally come into the bathroom to do? Unless you wanna watch, I’m gonna need you to leave and let me do my business, and we can pick right up afterwards. Pinky promise.” Taako held out his pinkie and stepped aside so Kravitz could get out the bathroom door. 

Kravitz didn’t move past him. Instead he climbed back up on the sink, shiny shoes on porcelain, and wriggled back through the tiny window, Taako tittering behind him. 

Taako had just barely finished washing his hands when Kravitz came back through again. 

“There,” said Taako. “We can do this like civilized people.” He shook his wet hands, spraying Kravitz’s face with water.

“Ew! Why are your hands wet?”

Taako opened the bathroom door and sprinted out while Kravitz was wiping his face on a towel. 

He found Lup and Barry easily, put his hand on her shoulder, her body between him and Kravitz. “Hey, I’m gonna have to get out of here, this guy’s gonna chase me around and I’ll be back in a half-hour, maybe. Want me to get some snacks on my way back?”

Kravitz came barreling out of the bathroom and skidded to a stop in front of Taako. “I have been trying to  _ kill  _ you!” he said, far too loudly, too worked-up to notice that everyone else had stopped talking and turned around. “Why aren’t you taking this  _ seriously!? _ ” Most of the faces in the room were shocked. One of them, furtively lowered, was scowling.

Taako shrugged and skipped out the front door, looking back in time to see Kravitz sprawled out on the floor. Barry had put his foot out to trip him. 

Taako shook his head and sprinted off down the sidewalk. 

He could hear Kravitz’s fancy shoes slapping on the pavement behind him. Maybe Kravitz would have less trouble killing him if he dressed for it. Suits and ties every day, this man. They’d gone on enough chases at this point that even Taako had sacrificed style and taken to wearing running shoes. 

Fancy shoes or no, Taako was tipsy, and Kravitz caught up with him soon enough, knocked him flat on a patch of grass and pinned him there.

Taako’s arms switched easily from catching himself to petting Kravitz’s chest. There wasn’t a knife at his throat or in his gut yet, which was a surprise, and he’d like to keep it that way. “Mmm. You got abs, big guy?” 

Kravitz, disappointingly, didn’t get flustered. He was studying Taako’s face, eyebrows furrowed. “Who was the man at the party in the orange polo shirt?”

“What, you jealous? That’s Sazed, my understudy. Look, if you were more interested in looking at him than me, I think you need your eyes checked.”

Kravitz looked away, sighed, and let his arms give out, collapsing on Taako’s chest in the grass. He was still breathing hard from the chase. Taako lifted a hand.

“Please don’t touch my hair,” said Kravitz, and Taako pulled his hand away. “Thanks.” Kravitz pushed himself back up on his elbows. “The one thing I haven’t been able to figure out. That first night I broke into your apartment. Why weren’t you scared of me? What did you have planned?”

“What do you mean, what did I have planned?”

“You were so calm. Like you knew something I didn’t.”

Taako laughed. “Oh, no. I saw you and thought, what’s the worst he can do? Kill me? Well, that’d save me a lot of trouble. And, yknow, the life insurance company doesn’t have to pay out if you kill yourself, and I’m not gonna let them get away with that.”

“Taako.”

“I’m serious!”

Kravitz stood up and brushed grass off his pants. Then he offered a hand to Taako, who stared at it. “Uh. What gives? Aren’t you gonna get all stabby-stabby on me?”

“No. I came to tell you that the contract on your life was void due to the client’s prior history with my firm, and you don’t have to worry about me anymore.”

Taako allowed Kravitz to pull him to his feet. “So you’re… not trying to kill me?”

“No, Taako, I am not.”

“But there’s still someone out there who hates me enough to take out a hit on me.”

“Well.” Kravitz withdrew a knife from his jacket and spun it nimbly between his fingers, blade flashing in the sunlight. “This person did sign a contract under a false name after my firm had specifically banned them from doing so, and… we don’t take kindly to that kind of thing.”

“Great. Sick. You know, you could have emailed me or something to tell me I’m no longer on your hit list. You didn’t have to break into my friend’s house and chase me for two blocks.”

“I’m sorry. If something like this ever happens again I shall do things differently.”

“Or did you just miss my beautiful face?”

The knife stopped spinning. Slowly, carefully, Kravitz returned it to his pocket. “Of course not. That would be foolish of me.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thoughts on a chapter 2?? i felt like i couldnt end this with them Getting Together because yknow. the power dynamic of taako flirting to save his life is uncomfortable. but maybe if they run into each other again in the future,


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taako stood up, went back to the kitchen, and returned the cleaver to its place in the knife block. “Threatening people with knives isn’t as fun as I thought it’d be.”
> 
> “No,” Kravitz agreed. “I never made a habit of it, myself. Not before I met you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enough people said they could see a chapter 2 that this happened. thank u yall

Taako found a piece of paper in his pocket when he undressed that night. _Just in case,_ it read. And there was a phone number.

\--

It was the middle of the night and Taako was driving to Sazed’s apartment with a mind full of static. Lup’s voice on the phone echoed in his head. _Y’know that guy who was trying to kill you?_

The apartment complex parking lot was half-empty, students gone home for the weekend, and the cars gleamed in the one streetlight like the armor of fallen soldiers. 

_He killed Sazed._

Taako took a moment to collect himself before he knocked on the apartment door. It didn’t open immediately. He imagined Lup on the other side looking through the peephole. 

The door opened just enough for him to slip inside, and Lup slammed it behind him. “So,” she said. She was holding a knife taken from the block on the counter. It probably wasn’t sharp; Sazed never maintained his equipment with the care Taako did. 

“Hello, Taako,” said Kravitz. He was tied to one of the kitchen chairs, arms behind his back, and managed to look dignified despite the blood dried on his face, almost invisible against his dark skin in the dim light. 

Sazed’s corpse was slumped on the floor, facing the wall, in a pool of blood. He’d died in the fetal position, clutching his chest. 

Taako took the knife out of Lup’s unresisting hand and held it to Kravitz’s throat. Kravitz tilted his head back a little, looked up into Taako’s eyes. His hands were still shiny with blood, and it dripped onto the tile behind him. 

“I wish i was better dressed for this,” said Kravitz lightly, and made a face to indicate his disgust at all the blood, or maybe just that his tie was undone. 

“Really? I could kill you right now and that’s what you’re worried about?”

“If I’m going to die, I’d rather die looking good.” 

Taako looked down and away from Kravitz’s face, lowered the point of the knife. “You always look good.”

“Pretty-boy here _begged_ me to call you,” Lup interjected. “Wanted you to have a say in what I did with him.”

“Did someone hire you to kill Sazed, too?” said Taako.

“No. He was the one who hired me to kill you, but he took out the contract under a false name, and my employer does not take kindly to being defrauded.”

Taako turned away from Kravitz and kicked the corpse, hard, in the ribs.

“What was your plan?” said Lup. “If I hadn’t showed up and apprehended you.”

“My plan was to leave. I have no connection to him that the police could track down. But now that you’re here… the odds that someone saw you, or your car, means we need a new plan.”

“So there’s a _we_ now.”

“I’d say if you don’t kill me now or call the police there’s a _we._ And if _we_ make his body disappear and clean this apartment to look like nothing happened, then _we_ are in the clear.”

Lup and Taako exchanged a look. Taako raised his eyebrows a certain way, and Lup raised her eyebrows back. “Excuse us a moment,” said Lup, yanked Taako into Sazed’s bedroom, and closed the door. 

The bedspread was navy-blue and rumpled. Taako licked his lips. “He _begged_?”

“Very prettily. And convincingly, fortunately for him.”

“What were _you_ here for that you found him?”

“To beat Sazed to a pulp. And I _know_ that going to the police won’t be convenient. We’ll have to go to court and hire lawyers and it’ll be _years._ ”

“He wanted to kill me anyway.”

“Sazed, or Kravitz?”

“Both, now that you mention it. But Kravitz was more polite about it. And I feel like he did this for me.”

“You heard what he said. It was all business.”

Taako shook his head. “I say we work with him.”

“Y’know, I always thought I could do a better job with a body than the killers you read about in the paper.”

As soon as he was released, Kravitz stretched his wrists and looked from Taako to Lup. “Neither of you happen to own a bone saw, do you?”

A bolt of fear shot down Taako’s spine when Kravitz stood up. He was much more threatening upright, with blood on his face and hands, this sharply-dressed man who’d just killed someone in cold blood. 

Kravitz must have seen the look on Taako’s face, because he took a step back and spoke softly. “I don’t have abs. You asked me that last time and I never answered.”

Taako snorted. “I think we’re a little past that now.”

“Alright. Any luck on the saw?”

Lup held up her finger and spoke into her phone. “Hey, Barry? Oh, yeah, I’m fine. You know how I’m more important to you than law, justice, and God? Yeah, well, I have something I think you’ll enjoy. As an intellectual exercise. I need you to come to Sazed’s place and bring your circular saw.” Then she covered the microphone and spoke to Kravitz. “Anything else we’ll need?”

Kravitz checked the cabinets quickly, pulled out a box of black plastic trash bags and a bottle of bleach. “A shovel, I think. A couple of shovels, if you’re planning to help me dig help me dig.”

The rest of the night was a blur. An entire roll of paper towels went into cleaning Sazed’s blood off the floor. Barry arrived with two shovels and a power saw and was the only one of them whose anatomical curiosity extended to watching Kravitz remove Sazed’s limbs one by one. 

They all piled into Barry’s car and drove out into the woods. There were two shovels. Lup, Taako, and Barry took turns with one, and Kravitz worked steadily with the other. That was the prettiest part of the night: Kravitz, stripped to the waist, torso slick with sweat in the moonlight, grave-digging. By four in the morning he was swaying on his feet, but he’d made it this far. He couldn’t stop now.

“You gave me your phone number,” murmured Taako on the car ride back to civilization.

“I did,” said Kravitz, examining the dirt under his manicured nails and the beginnings of blisters on his palms.

“Was that for business, or for pleasure?”

“It’s difficult to tell if someone might want to see you again when they’ve only encountered you under duress.”

“I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“You don’t have to.”

Taako reached across the backseat and took Kravitz’s hand, dirt and all.

\--

Kravitz was drinking a bottle of expensive red wine and watching Netflix _,_ alone in his apartment _._ The wine had been a gift from his boss; she’d been delighted when he uncovered Sazed’s deception. Praised his scrupulousness without question for his motives. 

The door opened. The light in the hallway silhouetted a narrow man, who slipped inside, shut the door behind him, and slid the deadbolt home. 

Kravitz closed his laptop and set it on the coffee table. The intruder strode into the kitchen, which was far too clean to have seen regular use, and yanked a butcher knife out of the knife block. 

Kravitz’s eyes widened. The long blade advanced on his neck. He forced his gaze up to a handsome face framed by bottle-blond hair. “Hello, handsome.”

“You’re too calm,” complained the man with the knife.

Kravitz smirked. “I learned from the best.”

“Fair, fair. Make me a snack?”

“What would you like?”

“Fancy cheese and crackers?”

Kravitz stood up carefully, keeping at least two centimeters between his skin and the point of the knife, and went back to the kitchen. The man with the knife didn’t follow. Kravitz’s hands were steady as he unwrapped a wedge of brie and put it on a flower-edged china plate, excavated a cheese knife from a drawer. 

Taako flopped down on the couch, knife still in his hand, and took a sip from Kravitz’s unattended wine glass, unashamed when Kravitz returned with a second glass and the plate of cheese and crackers. 

Kravitz put the plate on the coffee table and stood awkwardly until Taako gestured with the knife towards the seat next to him. 

Kravitz poured wine like a sommelier. “Would you like to keep using that glass, or switch to this one?”

“Eh.” Taako took a sip from the new glass. “You take yours back.”

Kravitz nodded and did so, but did not drink. 

Taako assembled a sandwich of brie and cracker and ate it happily. “Delicious. You want some?”

Kravitz nodded, but when he reached for the plate Taako pointed the knife at him again until he withdrew his hand. 

Taako assembled another cracker/cheese combo, and Kravitz looked surprised but opened his mouth obediently when Taako held it up and let Taako feed it to him.

“Would you make me snacks even if I didn’t have you at knifepoint?” said Taako.

The moment stretched on as Kravitz chewed and swallowed. “Yes,” he said as soon as he was able, voice a little hoarse from the cracker. “If you wanted me to.”

“Good.” Taako stood up, went back to the kitchen, and returned the cleaver to its place in the knife block. “Threatening people with knives isn’t as fun as I thought it’d be.”

“No,” Kravitz agreed. “I never made a habit of it, myself. Not before I met you.”

“Can we call it even, now?”

“If you’re okay with that.”

Taako sat back down and spread another cracker with brie. “So how’d you get into the death business?”

Kravitz thought for a moment about how to answer. “Following in my mother’s footsteps.”

“Sick, like the mafia.”

There were corresponding questions Kravitz could have asked about Taako’s life, but he already knew the answers, from the case file or from Taako’s private Instagram. So he said nothing.

“What do you want from me?” said Taako.

“Can I kiss you?”

Taako took another sip of wine. “Hell yeah, my man.” His mouth tasted of tannins and alcohol, and even after their lips parted Kravitz did not pull away, stayed half on top of Taako with Taako’s arms around his shoulders. “Anything more ambitious?” murmured Taako. “Anything more exciting, in your wildest dreams?”

“My wildest dreams.” Kravitz thought back. Thoughts like a pack of wolves had raced each other in his head from the night they first met, thoughts like a pack of wolves had taken down the lumbering herd-beasts that were his normal inner life with tooth and claw. “In my wildest dreams, I want you to be mine. I want to be the only person who gets to touch you like this.” His hand had come to rest on Taako’s hip, his fingers edging up underneath Taako’s shirt to touch bare skin.

Taako laughed at that, but did not pull away. “I hadn’t had you pinned as having a _monogamy_ kink. And in your wildest dreams, would I get the same from you?”

“Of course,” said Kravitz without blinking. “I am already yours.”

Taako kissed him again, drew Kravitz’s other hand up to his chest. 

“And you? What do you want with me, in your wildest dreams?”

“You’re very handsome.”

“So I’ve heard.”

“And _dangerous_.”

This made Kravitz break eye contact. “I-”

“And that’s hot. I’ve seen enough of _Twilight_ to know how great it is to have a hot, dangerous boyfriend. Obviously I expect you to be less of an asshole than Edward Cullen, but, y’know. I think we can work something out here.”

“Would you like to have dinner with me tomorrow night?”

“I want to go to Ruth’s Chris.”

“Yes. I’ll take you anywhere you want to go.”

“It’s a date.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope i did ok + the tone didnt change too much since chapter 1? let me know here or yell at me on tumblr @bellafarallones

**Author's Note:**

> thoughts on a chapter 2?? i felt like i couldnt end this with them Getting Together because yknow. the power dynamic of taako flirting to save his life is uncomfortable. but maybe if they run into each other again in the future,


End file.
